This is an older poem that is technically more of a performance poem, but I cannot think of any poetry nights that I go to where this would go down well!! I might do a video one day and post it here as well, but for now, here it is in its original form!
Something to care about
There are lots of things I am passionate about,
Things to scream and shout about,
I cannot stand it when people can’t spell
On Facebook, Twitter, social media hell
There, their and they’re are all different words
If the grammar freak within is disturbed,
The Facebook asshole’s wrath is incurred,
Against your irritating grammar strike.
I will be the one pressing “Like”.
As long as inequality exists,
I will always count myself as a feminist,
Actually, whilst we are talking about this
Something that really brings out the feminist in me,
Is complaints about “feminine hygiene” adverts on TV.
I could understand if they were advertising Durex,
But since when did periods become associated with sex?
They are part of life,
Yet such a source of strife,
This monthly bleeding.
Much like breastfeeding
I mean, c’mon, it’s a baby eating,
Our humanity is retreating from itself,
Putting ourselves on the morality shelf,
If you can’t for a second remember yourself,
You were pushed out of your mother’s vagina.
But it just so happens that once a month, your mother’s vagina bleeds,
If you don’t want to see us buying tampons or towels,
Then by all means
We will bleed through
Our clothes and underwear, that scarlet hue.
So when you are waiting in a queue
You will have to stand behind
And watch the dark red running down our thighs.
But you know what really gets my goat?
Of all the issues that clog up my throat,
If I was to really rock this boat
My question to all of the idiots would be,
How come you still can’t make a good cup of tea?
It is so simple to make a good cuppa,
Any old sucker could type into google
Or Ask fricking Jeeves,
How do I make a cup of tea?
Do I add the water or the milk first,
For a cup of tea to quench my thirst?
Well I am going to take pity on you,
Here is what you’ve got to do.
I like my tea in a china mug,
So I can get my hand around and give it a hug,
Next goes the teabag and then the water,
No not from there, it needs to be hotter,
The kettle should be freshly boiled
Otherwise it’s already spoiled,
Next a stir around the cup,
No, hold on, wait, back up,
You need to fill the water just right,
Leave space for milk if they want it white.
(Is there another way to have your tea?
Oh come on, you’re all thinking it, its not just me!)
Next to take the teabag out,
Don’t squeeze, just lift, yep that’s right,
I know there is water in the bag,
But squeezing leaves scum which just looks bad.
Now add the milk, not too much
Personally, I like just a touch,
Make it tea with milk, not milk with tea.
More than a centimetre, make it two or three.
A spoonful of sugar if you prefer
Don’t forget to give it one last stir.
Now grab a biscuit and have a dunk,
This is tea as it’s supposed to be drunk!